James, Friends and the planet Risa
by belang
Summary: Keptin, I can't eat anymore sandwich. Zis world is crazy!" .....Kirk and F.R.I.E.N.D.S were whirled into a world that they could never live in and their only saviour is an enemy that they swear they would never see again. Hilarious fic. Mild Kirk h/c.


_**Author's Note : **__Another crazy idea of a crack fic emerged while I was watching tv yesterday. I couldn't help it. My brain was screaming for it to be spewed on a piece of paper. Have a read and have a laugh and have a kind heart to write a review._

_**Disclaimer : **__ I do not own Star Trek. And for people who had read my fic previously, you will know what I want for my birthday this year. __**Wink**_

_Location : Sickbay_

Captain James T. Kirk had been in sickbay for about two days, fifteen hours, twenty minutes and three point five seconds. He was extremely bored.

The mission to planet Risa was deemed successful albeit the fact that Kirk got injured again, attacked by a drunk Risian who actually thought that he was willingly participating in the _jamaharon. _Damn Scotty for giving him that bloody _horga'hn!_

" A _horga'hn_ is a statuette that symbolizes fertility on Risa. By displaying a _horga'hn_ publicly, Captain, you have, unfortunately, indicated to that drunken Risian that you are seeking _jamaharon."_

Kirk snickered, replaying Spock's comment about one of the planet's crazy culture. But he put a mental note that he would definitely return to Risa for its wonderful, pristine beaches.

He fidgeted and sighed for the hundredth's time and slumped on his uncomfortable bed. The sickbay was super quiet today. He groaned.

Kirk stared at his small table propped up near his bed. Almost all of his 'get well soon' cards and gifts from his bridge crew were displayed on it immaculately, courtesy of Nurse Chapel, who had started to annoy him from being much of a mother hen.

Scotty sent him the biggest card, as he was feeling terribly guilty of what had happened. Uhura gave him a lovely, small box of chocolate that she bought in Risa and Chekov and Sulu shared a gift of a tiny, brown, teddy bear with a red ribbon printed 'get well!'

"_Why the hell Sulu always come up with a teddy bear?" _

Spock did not give him anything except for a few pending assignments to be reviewed and signed by him. He was wondering if Bones going to bear him a gift too when the very man walked in happily.

"How are you feeling, kid?" he asked cordially.

"I'm fine. But I think you're not because you're totally scaring me there with your out of character."

Bones raised an eyebrow and sat beside Kirk, handing him a small, squared video pad.

"Look, Jim. I know you're seriously bored out of your mind. So, I got you something. I think you're going to thank me big time for this!" Bones replied enthusiastically.

Kirk peeked at the device and read. " F.r.i.e.n.d.s?"

X

Kirk was into episode five, season seven of a 21st century TV show called F.R.I.E.N.D.S. He was consistently chuckling and convulsing with laughter since the first season. He was so glad that the sickbay is not busy today or else Nurse Chapel might threw him out before Bones did with his loud guffaw.

He opened Uhura's box of chocolate and popped one into his mouth and swallowed. He was about to munch the third one when he suddenly choked and coughed violently. Kirk found he's airway was starting to constrict and before darkness consumed him he heard Nurse Chapel crying out for Bones.

X

He awoke with a bad, thumping headache on his right temporal and he stifled a moan.

"_Wait a minute."_

Kirk realized that he was now in a very different bed in a very different place, definitely not a sickbay. It looked like a bedroom, a nice cozy one.

He sat up slowly when he felt his blond hair fell on his face and his upper back. He realized that he was topless. His mind was still fuddled with what's happening until he looked down and stared at his chest.

"Arghhhhhhhhh!!" Kirk screamed like never before. Two ample, pert bosoms were staring back at him.

"What? What?!" A dark figure next to him jumped from another side of the bed.

"Oh, my God! Ross??"

X

"Let me get this straight. I ate a Risian chocolate, wait…make that two and a half, and suddenly I'm Rachel and you're Ross?"

"Ugh. I guess." Bones/Ross shrugged.

"This is insane!" Kirk/Rachel started to yell and paced the room to and fro exasperated.

"I, I can't be a woman! Although I am still hot…." Kirk tossed his hair and looked into the full-length mirror up and down and Bones rolled his eyes. "I can't be Rachel. I'm a Goddamn starship, captain!"

"Jim, calm down! Let's sit down and think."

A sudden loud knock on their door stopped their bickering and they both answered spontaneously, "What?!"

Four people sat in a spacious living room with a huge window at the end and a nice, neat kitchen near its entrance door. They all stared at each other, overwhelmed and dumbfounded.

"Could it _be_ anymore _difficult?"_ a man who looked exactly like a character called Chandler Bing in F.R.I.E.N.D.S blurted unsuspectedly. The only difference was Chandler was sporting a slick, bowl cut hairstyle with two pointed ears.

"I'm sorry Spock. I really don't know what to do. Seriously, I myself have been sick and tired of cleaning. The urge to clean everything in this place is so…so....I have to go."Uhura/Monica stood up and went to brush the toilet again.

"Ummmphhh…umphhhhh!"

"Huh?"

"Ye sitting on me, ye arse hole!"

"Scotty?" Kirk and Bones jumped.

"Yeah. That's me, all right. The engineer of a _bloody_ Enterprise is a _bloody_ couch!" Bones eyebrows shot past his hairline and Kirk slumped again on the couch, thinking could the day be any worse than this.

"Ummmphhh." Scotty whimpered.

X

Next door, an Italian looking man was desperately hungry. He rummaged through his refrigerator and found a delicious sandwich. He sat down on a stool, gulped half of a Coke and unwrapped the food.

He was about to take a bite of the sandwhich before it wiggled it's way hard out of his hand and screamed, " Stop it! Stop it! Don't you dare eat me!"

Chekov/Joey screeched loudly and fell to the floor. His eyes were as big as a saucer and his chest raised and fall quickly. It took him ten minutes to regain his composure and he approached the sandwich carefully.

"Sss….s…Sulu?"

X

It had been three, long days living in an alternate world. Now that the whole bridge crews were definitely involved, Kirk decided to hold another brain storming meeting in his apartment.

Chekov winced and said, " Keptin, I can't eat anymore sandwich. Zis world is crazy!"

"I'm tired of cooking, baking and cleaning!" Uhura dropped a tray of hot, delicious chocolate chip cookies on the table and Chekov, despite feeling full, snatched one of them eagerly and ate it.

Bones picked up Sandwich Sulu from the table and looked at him and then casted a worried look to Kirk. "Err, Jim. We better think of something, because Sulu here, well, it says here that he will be expired tomorrow."

Sandwich Sulu shrieked.

"I think I know how we can solve this. But it may or may not work." Kirk said.

"I believe with our illogical current situation, any recommendation should be tested, Captain." Spock added, head tilted briefly to one side and hands clasped to the back.

"Okay. This happened right after I passed out in the sickbay. So, if theoretically speaking, I passed out again, everything will probably be reversed back to normal when I regain consciousness."

"How are we going to do that?" Scotty the couch enquired. Everyone could tell that he found the idea of hurting the captain again ludicrous.

Before Jim could answer, the green, entrance door suddenly burst opened with a loud smashed and a giant, muscular and angry green man clothed in torn pants and ripped white shirt showed up at their doorstep.

"Arrrrr!" He roared blatantly and flexed his bulging muscles.

"James T. Kirk was considered to be a great man. He went on to captain the USS Enterprise…but_ that was another life._ A life I will deprive you of just like I did your father!"

"Nero?"

"Hulk?" Chekov was _wery,wery,wery_ confused.

Nero didn't reply but stomped in and took Uhura's large metal baking tray and smacked Kirk's head _hard._

X

"Ugh."

"Steady, Jim."

"Wha….what happened?" Kirk blinked. The image of a worried stricken Bones formed slowly.

"You had an anaphylactic shock….from those darned chocolates."

"I'm allergic to chocolates?" Kirk couldn't understand. He never had any reaction except for pleasure if he ate a chocolate. He loved chocolates!

"Well, maybe just Risian chocolate."

Kirk sighed in defeat. Maybe he should just cross off the idea of returning to Risa for a holiday.

Behind the curtain, Uhura and Scotty displayed a much guilty look. They decided to throw Captain James T. Kirk a huge ass party when he recovered. Venue : Central Perk.


End file.
